Myths about “State”
3 11 2006One thing I’ve learned about the “community” is that there are a great number of redundant and useless euphemisms and acronyms. Many of these are borrowed from NLP, psychology and a variety of other places. I will confess to not caring much about the origins of these terms because many of them seem very manipulative or overly analytical. Of these, one of the terms I like the least is State.
State is a euphemism for one’s mood or how one feels. I wish I could count the number of times I have heard guys complaining about how they didn’t do well some night because they weren’t “in state” or they need to “change their state.” Somehow, it’s a more legitimate excuse to justify not doing something when the grandiose term state is used rather than simply being honest and saying they weren’t in the mood, or were pissed off, or weren’t feeling confident.
Using state as a reason not to approach or as a reason to justify a bad set only hurts the person using it. One of the main issues I have is that it is dishonest by virtue of its vagueness. State is a blanket term that can be used to cover a lot of possible reasons. Maybe you don’t feel you have enough experience, maybe you had a fight with someone who insulted you, maybe you are dealing with issues that have plagued you your whole life, maybe you are getting sick or maybe one of a million other things isn’t perfect. By not being honest with yourself about why you didn’t do something or why you didn’t meet your own standards, you rob yourself of the possibility of being able to take an honest look at your behavior. Examining your behavior honestly is the first step in becoming a more confident, satisfied and genuine person.
Another problem I have with state is that it is one of a myriad of excuses guys use not to approach. It is very possible that you may be having a bad night. This happens to everyone and there’s nothing wrong with it. Unless you are someone who is practiced at approaching women consistently regardless of your mood, however, you have to be very careful of falling into the excuse trap. By this I mean that if you are accustomed to approaching and do so even when the situation is not optimal either because of how you feel or logistics, then taking a break once in a while because you are not “in state” is not a problem. You know and trust yourself well enough to know you are not making an excuse, you just actually need a break and don’t want things to go badly until you’re back up to speed. If you are this type of person, getting back into the mood to be social often takes minutes, not days. Many guys I’ve seen, however, are not at this point and some will use just about any excuse not to approach. If this is the case, then not being “in state” is simply crap and another way to avoid the challenge of mustering up the courage to go talk to someone. Additionally, if you allow yourself to believe that not being in state is a valid reason not to approach, it is very possible that you will unconsciously start to generate a bad mood or be out of state in social situations so that you can then say to yourself: “You know what, I’m not in state, I’ll go talk to her later” or “I’ll wait a few more minutes.” This is an important point: You can actually self-generate negative state in order to justify not approaching. Somewhere inside, you know that your mind will accept it as a valid excuse and you’ll feel less guilty or you won’t be as hard on yourself afterwards.
Another component of this process is that people often have thoughts about how they feel that just aren’t true. We tell ourselves things like “I don’t feel like it” only to discover that after one or two approaches, you actually feel great. This is the huge benefit of momentum and warm up sets, even if they are with guys or old ladies. They allow you to start getting into the mood to talk to people. They also provide the shocking benefit of allowing you to actually interact with members of the human race who are not necessarily “hot babes”. I know, it’s a novel concept, but you should try it. There are actually interesting people in the world outside of picking up chicks. But I digress…
There are a million good reasons NOT to approach, including the infamous “state”. The bottom line, however, is if the result is something you really want, like the company of a gorgeous, interesting woman, you find a way to just get it done.
For me, preferences can be a huge inhibitor if I’m not aware of how irrelevant they are. If you don’t do your work, you don’t get paid. Your boss could care less whether you want to do it or not. If you don’t take out the trash, your place stinks. Thinking about whether you “feel like it” is a total waste of time since it has to get done anyways. The universe just doesn’t care whether you are in the mood or not. Once I began to realize this, I cut out almost all the time I wasted complaining and thinking about whether I wanted to do something and just started doing it.
Often, an incredible woman enters our environment and she could care less whether you are in “state” or not! The important thing is that if you get good at getting the job done anywhere in your life, pretty soon how you feel won’t matter: you’ll just be immediately responsive to your environment, including women. If you learn to do what you need to do in all areas of your life, you will have internalized an attitude of doing your best regardless of the circumstances. The desired outcome will become more important to you than the perceived obstacles. The quality of my life has skyrocketed since I became aware of this perspective and I humbly offer it as another way to look at life in general, not just as it applies to meeting women.
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