Persistence and Patience
17 11 2006I’ve been noticing a process that occurs when men start learning how to meet women. At first, we take on the role of a cool, social guy by learning it from other guys who really understand how to go out, have fun and meet interesting people. This may be an uncomfortable and awkward character to play for people who have never lived this way. The role, however, helps us discover the truly attractive traits that we already possess. Soon, you realize you already have the raw components and many, if not all, of the words or routines fall away when you’ve internalized this new perspective. You don’t become an attractive man, you discover you already were one.
What you are really conveying through words and action is that you are an interesting person who doesn’t have to settle, that you have a full and varied social life and that you are not dependent on anything or anyone to satisfy you. Often, believing this about ourselves doesn’t happen easily. Sometimes you just have to go through the motions while making this transition from clueless to confident. Learning strong body language or words to say are simply a framework to discover the intrinsic qualities that make other people want to spend time with you. That’s perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with playing the part of the cool guy until it becomes true for you.
Hopefully, this “faking” of social competence is a temporary thing. If you’ve been trying to meet people for an extended period of time, however, and still have persistent doubts about yourself beyond normal nervousness, it may be time to examine some deeper issues. I believe that you cannot really convince anybody of anything that you don’t believe yourself, so one way or another, it benefits you in all areas of your life to discover who you are rather than try to become something you are not. For that, I highly recommend Instantaneous Transformation with Ariel and Shya Kane. They are amazing life coaches whose approach is very powerful and very easy.
If you become a person who has a full life, who is secure in yourself and who does go out and meet people, you will find that very quickly you are not faking the status of a person who can be selective about who you want in your life. You’ll find that the wide variety of women you meet and the lack of time to spend with everyone will cause you to be more discerning in whom you choose to devote your energy. It also makes you an attractive person without you having to do anything differently because your time and attention are now a commodity. It’s important to note here that I am not talking about having a superior attitude with other people. Lording your social status or perceived dominance over other people is not going to bring quality, lasting relationships into your life. It is your accessibility, openness, warmth and ability to relate to other people that will ultimately cause them to want to be around you.
The more you go out and interact, the more people you will meet that you want to keep in your life. Likewise, the more you will meet that you don’t. The people who meet your standards are likely to be busy, social people themselves and just as, if not more, discerning in whom they choose to be with. You are not the center of their world, nor should you be. It may take time and effort to reconnect with someone whose life is full. Trying to force the issue with women like this, as many of us have done, only serves to make you very unattractive. Needless to say, one of the most unappealing traits a person can demonstrate is neediness or desperation. In the beginning, it may take discipline to avoid pressing for a particular outcome in your relationships. Among other things, reaching a critical mass of quality people in your life will take the pressure off as a natural extension of your newly emerging personality. It is at this point that one has gained mastery over their social life.
Persistence and patience are on either side of a fine line. Being comfortable with however things turn out is the way I’ve found to balance the two. Several months ago, I met an amazing woman and only had about 10 minutes to talk to her. I got her number, and while I was excited about her, I felt there was very little chance we’d ever see each other again given the fleeting nature of our first meeting. We traded voice mails and very brief conversations about every 7 to 10 days. Three months later, we went on our first date and we both had a great time. The person I used to be never would have met this woman, and if I did I never would have been able to make the meeting happen out of frustration. She is a busy person. I continued to make the effort, but I also got on with my life. I met other people, I dated, I did what I always do. Every few days, I’d send a text or call because she was fun and engaging and there was no reason not to invest a very small amount of my time for someone worthwhile. Equally important is that I never got bitter, which is also a shift from the way I sometimes acted in the past. She did not intentionally stay busy to avoid me, she had her own life and was even quite warm when she did call back after a few days each time.
My messages and attitude were always playful and fun while unapologetic and confident because the person I’ve discovered myself to be is just that: playful, fun and self-assured. I didn’t have to amp it up when I called. I have confidence in my ability to meet quality people so I don’t feel the need to beg for or demand anything. At some point you have to learn to trust your ability to meet great people anytime. I could just be myself and not pressure the situation to do anything but unfold organically. I would leave a voice mail after a week or two like (always with a smile on my face): “Hey! You know speaking every two weeks is really going to put a damper on our marriage, but we’ll try it out and see if we can make it work.”
By the time we met, we had spent less than an hour total speaking to each other. The date, however, was electric with anticipation. It actually turned out to be an advantage to have taken so long to meet. We were curious about the things we didn’t know, but also felt a connection from the time we had spent leaving voice mails and text messages. I’m not recommending taking this long to date women you meet, but if it works out that way, it’s not necessarily a problem.
If you are out meeting people and having fun, you will end up with more than one woman like this in your life. You may have multiple at any given time. She’ll be a busy person, maybe even a flaky person, but as long as all your hopes and dreams aren’t tied up in this one person, you can be patient with her regardless of the reasons. If it’s not destined to work out, pushing it will not do any good anyway. If it is, confident persistence can actually put you way ahead of any other guys pursuing her. In the meantime, you’ve got a lot of other things going on in your life, right?
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